Joke of the Week

We appreciate the jokes and/or funny stories.  Please keep them coming:  debi1948@gmail.com

 

 

An absentminded husband thought he had conquered his problem of trying to remember his wife’s birthday and their anniversary.
He opened an account with a florist and provided that florist with the dates and instructions to send flowers to his wife on these dates, along with an appropriate note signed, “Your loving husband.”
His wife was thrilled by this new display of attention, and all went well until one day, when he came home, he kissed his wife and said offhandedly, “Nice flowers, honey. Where’d you get them?”

Groups of American seniors were traveling by tour bus through Holland.
As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat’s milk was used in some of the cheeses. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. 
“These,” she explained, “are the older goats. We put them out to pasture when they no longer produce.” She then asked, “What do you do in America with your old goats?”
A spry old gentleman answered, “They send us on bus tours!”

A guy who had forgotten the dates for a number of his friends’ and relatives’ birthdays and anniversaries, decided to compile a list on the computer and have the dates highlighted on screen when the machine was turned on. 
He went to a number of computer stores to find a software program that would do the job but had no luck at the first few. Finally, he found one where the clerk seemed experienced.
“Can you recommend something that will remind me of birthdays and anniversaries?” the guy asked.
“Have you tried a wife?” the clerk responded.

 

An elderly spinster called the lawyer’s office and told the receptionist she wanted to see the lawyer about having a will prepared.
The receptionist suggested they set up an appointment for a convenient time for the spinster to come into the office. The woman replied, “You must understand, I’ve lived alone all my life, I rarely see anyone, and I don’t like to go out. Would it be possible for the lawyer to come to my house?” The receptionist checked with the attorney who agreed and he went to the spinster’s home for the meeting to discuss her estate and the will.
The lawyer’s first question was, “Would you please tell me what you have in assets and how you’d like them to be distributed under your will?” She replied, “Besides the furniture and accessories you see here, I have $40,000 in my savings account at the bank.
“And how would you like the $40,000 to be distributed?” he asked.
The spinster said, “Well, as I’ve told you, I’ve lived a reclusive life, people have hardly ever noticed me, so I’d like them to notice when I pass on. I’d like to provide $35,000 for my funeral.”
The lawyer remarked, “Well, for $35,000 you will be able to have a funeral that will certainly be noticed and will leave a lasting impression on anyone who may not have taken much note of you! But tell me,” he continued, “what would you like to do with the remaining $5,000?”
The spinster replied, “As you know, I’ve never married, I’ve lived alone almost my entire life, and in fact I’ve never slept with a man. Before I die, I’d like you to use the $5,000 to arrange for a man to sleep with me.”
“This is a very unusual request,” the lawyer said, adding, “but I’ll see what I can do to arrange it and get back to you.”
That evening, the lawyer was at home telling his wife about the eccentric spinster and her weird request. After thinking about how much she could do around the house with $5,000 and with a bit of coaxing, she got her husband to agree to provide the service himself. She said, “I’ll drive you over tomorrow morning, and wait in the car until you’re finished.”
The next morning, she drove him to the spinster’s house and waited while he went into the house. She waited for over an hour, but her husband didn’t come out. So she blew the car horn.
Shortly, the upstairs bedroom window opened, the lawyer stuck his head out and yelled, “Pick me up tomorrow, she’s going to let the County bury her!”

 

An old man was asleep in his chair one afternoon when he was awoken by the sound of the doorbell. He shuffled to the door and when he opened it, he saw a beautiful young woman standing there.
“Oh dear!” she said. “I’m at the wrong house. I am looking for my boyfriend.”
“Sweetheart, you’re at the right house,” the old guy assured her, “but you’re about 40 years too late!”

 

A brunet, a red head and a blonde walked into a shop hoping to find something outrageous and really cheap. they walk in and ask the counter person what they have on special, he replies I have an old old mirror that is for free, but it is Magic. The red head asks how it works and the shop counter says if you say something true to it you will get that times 10, but if you say a lie you will vanish forever. So they thought ok lets get it so they brought it back to their house and the brunet walks up to it and says I think I am the most richest person in the world and she vanishes, the red head walks up to it and says I think I am the most prettiest woman in the world and vanishes, the blonde walks up to the mirror and says I think and vanishes.

 

A man and wife attended church one evening, and the wife decided that it was time to stop her husband from sleeping in Church. So, she took her hat pin and decided she would poke him every time he fell asleep. Right about the first time he falls asleep, the preacher asks, “And who created the Universe?” The wife poked her husband and he awakes and yells, “My God!”
The second time he falls asleep, the preacher asks, “And who died on the cross for you?” She pokes her husband and he screams, “Jesus Christ!”
The third time, the Preacher asks, “And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?”
The wife pokes her husband and he jumps up and yells, “By God, if you poke me with that thing one more time, I am going to break it off!”